Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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