my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We have so much sex to catch up on
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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