I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
