You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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