Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
