tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
