When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
