dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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