My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
