I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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