Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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