if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
