I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
