1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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