hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i believe in u and ur pee
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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