I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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