P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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