So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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