New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm really busy with my period
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