is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
