It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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