yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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