I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
