I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
this hospital has no fireball
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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