Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
