I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
