I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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