peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
