Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
