he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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