How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
