Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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