I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
