I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
