george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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