Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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