Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
