I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
