I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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