wakey wakey hands off snakey
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
