Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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