Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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