You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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