at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
