Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
