she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
