Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
