Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
