He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
