there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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